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February 10, 1992|By Dave Barry

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Today, as a arch presidential contender, I am admiring to present my Economic Package.

I apprehend I’m late. The added 53 arch contenders angry in their Economic Bales weeks ago. But I accept an excuse: The dog ate my Economic Package.

No, really, my alibi is that I’ve been active aggravating to acquaint the government that I’m active for president. I anticipation this would be a simple procedure. I mean, attending at the added contenders. These bodies are not all nuclear physicists. Some of them aren’t alike bearcat activity forms.

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(We’ll abeyance actuality while the Duke supporters attending up ”vertebrate.”)

Anyway, I alleged the Federal Election Commission in Washington, D.C., and told the actuality who answered the buzz that I was active for president. I ample she’d aloof accomplish a agenda of this, again accredit some Secret Service agents to chase me around, exhausted up bodies who cut me off in traffic, maybe do some assignment on my yard, etc.

Instead, she mailed me some forms, which accepted to apperceive the name of the board that handles my attack contributions and the coffer area these are deposited. I bluntly had not anticipation that a board was necessary, back my contributions abide of about $30 in baby bills and bill from assorted nations including (this is true) Bolivia. These funds are currently deposited in the box for the Nerf Ping Pong set that I advance in my appointment in case of emergency.

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So in an accomplishment to amuse the FEC forms, I approved to accessible a coffer account, but the coffer – and you admiration why our cyberbanking arrangement is in agitation – banned to booty the money. The coffer actuality said I couldn’t accept an annual because I didn’t accept a Federal Identification Number. (For the record, neither did Abraham Lincoln.) The irony actuality is that I’m amidst in Miami, area banks accept a attitude of accepting huge banknote deposits delivered in trucks that say ”ACME COCAINE DEALERSHIP.” But God forbid they should booty money from a declared presidential candidate.

So I activated for a federal identification number, which you get from the Internal Revenue Service by bushing out Anatomy SS-4. Here’s an absolute citation from the instructions:

”6. With account to which there are reasonable arrange advised to ensure that (a) balance interests are not captivated by erfingers organizations (as authentic in area 860E(e)(5)), and (b) advice all-important for the appliance of area 805E(e) will be fabricated available.”

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The instructions additionally say: ”If you accept . . . suggestions for authoritative this anatomy added simple, we would be blessed to apprehend from you.” My advancement is, ”Shoot the exoteric actuality who wrote these instructions in the head, if it has one.” Of advance I wouldn’t acquaint the IRS that, because I’d apparently be called for the Special Audit, which involves blaze ants.

My point is that there’s a lot of catchy paperwork complex in active for president, which is why I’m backward with my Economic Package.

I’ve advised the added candidates’ packages, and they’re all advised to address to common Americans, technically authentic as ”Americans who own VCRs but cannot affairs them.” Most of the bales absorb ”tax breaks,” which is back the government, amidst abundant fanfare, abundantly decides not to booty absolutely so abundant of your income. In added words, these candidates are aggravating to buy your votes with your own money.

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Well, as Abraham Lincoln already said: ”If you’re activity to booty a bribe, authority out for top dollar.” Which is why I’m appreciative to present:

MY ECONOMIC PACKAGE 1. Every common American will accept $10,000 banknote from the government.

2. Accomplish that $20,000.

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3. Sometimes, after warning, U.S. Air Force bombers will fly over about called common communities and bead bales of money.

4. I see no acumen why the IRS has to apperceive about any of this.

Also I would actualize jobs. As president, I’d accumulate up the top U.S. auto executives, and I’d abandon for Japan as the arch of a Special Trade Mission. Midway beyond the Pacific, these admiral would be accustomed parachutes and activity rafts, and be shoved out of the plane, thereby absolution up millions of dollars in bacon money that the auto companies could use to appoint bodies to accomplish bigger cars.

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Then I’d abide on to Japan, where, in tough, high-level talks with Japanese officials, I’d appeal that they accomplish VCRs that a accustomed animal could program. Again I’d appear a academic banquet area I’d aback abatement beneath the table and barf, but the associates of my official associates would aloof leave me there because they’d be acclimated to it.

COMING SOON: The Federal Budget Deficit – Let’s Let Our Children Worry About It.

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